31 12 2009
by Iseki
Summary: Minako faces up to a month of decision making and re-learning how to live in her own skin. RyojixFemMC SPOILERS FOR END GAME AND S.LINK


**Disclaimer**: I do not own any character or reference to the Persona series.

**Warning**: Major spoilers, including end game, Female Protagonist's S Link with Ryoji Mochizuki, and for Ryoji's character in itself. There is very little logic to the grammatical tense here as the narration begins to lose itself. It's all about the angst.

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><p><em>Ryoji-kun...<em>

Arisato Minako is but a girl.

Give her a weapon and she will fight. Give her a purpose and she will thrive. She will become: Leader of SEES, top of the class, friend to all, a resilient force of optimism, a good cook and a shrewd part-time worker. But take away that which has been most integrated into her very existence and she will falter.

"Ryoji?" her voice shook. He avoided her eye.

"I'm sorry...but there is still more I must tell you."

It was the same. The same welling feeling of dread stiffening in her limbs as his lips first formed the words that had been buried desperately within her mind. _Forbidden Love_. She didn't want to hear it. Any more than this and she might break. They all knew now, and wasn't that enough? Junpei with his pure and honest heart looked positively repulsed. Once it had passed over her she wanted to protect Ryoji from that fierce judgement; they were friends after all. This was not how it should be. Despite the overwhelming feelings of grief she is petrified; a stone statue for her companions to eye warily as they devour every truth Ryoji so painstakingly delivers.

She wishes he would stop and suddenly he is finished; his slim shoulders, broad yet fragile, protective, disappear through the dorm entrance and never pause. Ryoji, her Ryoji, will not return until New Years.

***ticktock***

At first she remains tireless. Sunday comes and she is awake and clutching her phone as the minutes tick by. Surely he will call, and wait for her outside, and they will visit the Chagall Cafe as they always do to discuss the trivial matters of two students in diffident irresistible first-love and the strangeness of it. He will say something devastatingly sincere and her heart will become a little weaker, giving as start as their knuckles graze when they both reach for the sugar. He is her Achilles heel. She has never felt more vulnerable or more complete.

Of course the call does not come. Long into the morning she waits still trapped between layers of duvet and pyjama cloth until she leaves her cosy nest in a rush of hostility; she will shower and see someone else, and he couldn't complain. How can he leave her like this without a single word of comfort? She doesn't understand the difference between woman and man, human and shadow, warrior and appriser.

She meets Akinari and talks about death. She is confronting its promise in so many different manners these days. Pink alligators and a city full of The Lost; waiting, wishing, praying that it will Fall. Akinari explains that it doesn't matter what meaning you place on your own life it is only what others receive of your remaining value. In such a dark time Minako cannot agree, she only wants to live, to rewind the clock five days and return to those precious moments inside her room when no time, no secret hour, no monster from the past, could interrupt the unreserved bliss that drown her within the tight cradle of Ryoji's embrace.

_Touch me Minako, make certain for yourself that I exist._

As if he had heard her unspoken terror; his presence was something beautiful and muted. Like sand slipping through the fingertips of open palms. She had known it from the first time she laid eyes on him, as he had known her, but it was another wordless understanding that they would treat each other as normal adolescents might. Ironic then that it was that very awareness that made it so irresistible. She had held fast to the lie until he tore it from her.

_Touch me, Minako..._

And yet she couldn't think he was cruel any more deeply than the slight pout of her mouth or the sulkiness to her shoulders relieved. He was dealing with this just as she was, the difference being that he knew it had to end and he had to be the one to end it.

"Minako-chan, you're always so strong."

She was an antipathy to this now. Even as the resolution surfaced in her partners she would not be moved: damn him for leaving her to this grief when they should suffer together. Even the misery of The End could become another precious moment if only they were together.

Days passed, Akinari departed as a cat might to crawl away to some comforting place and spend his last breath; another friend gone. Minako sat on the bench alone with angry tears refusing to fall. The seniors quietly wished her to find some serenity while her classmates paced unwittingly. Junpei was worried, Yukari was worried, and Fuuka was beside herself but too timid to approach. Still they would say nothing kind of her Ryoji only damn him the same. Perhaps they thought it might help her bounce back, to fight the bitter fate she had been dealt with smiling grace as she always had. Arisato Minako, after all, was one used to opposition.

Minako grew weary.

***ticktock***

"Have you made your decision yet?" Kirijo Mitsuru pressed. She was motherly and kind but firm. She didn't waste comforting words that might allow the other to further wallow in the pool of their self-pity.

"I think so," was all Minako could answer. If there was one thing she understood for certain during the levity of this choice it was that killing Ryoji was not possible. She _was_ strong but she was confident that she would be destroyed long before the bliss of ignorance could release her. Thankfully Mitsuru didn't ask her to confide any of her melodramatic reasoning. Over the year SEES had become quite attune to each other, there was no one in conflict with each other nor was there any pressure to cause such agreement. Her senpai nodded and left with the gentle observation that perhaps it was time they return to Tartarus.

Tartarus: the tower of Demise. She used to relish the physical freeness. To move with smoke-like fluidity and tear her blade fast through the flesh of a shadow with was a terrible elation she couldn't achieve anywhere else. Evoking her Personas was both terrifying and liberating; her petite frame a mere cage for such power. They drew against their restraints with anticipation.

But now those mindless, faceless creatures resembled him. They were definitely lower beings, and at best they could only mimic humanoid shapes let alone replicate learned emotion, but what of Ryoji? Hadn't he worn a mask at one time? Hadn't he beckoned the weak hearted to come so that he might devour their sad detachment and remove them from this world? What of him before Minako... As much as she loved him now, wouldn't she feel the same way if she saw him then? The answer was a deafening 'no.'

She did not want to come face to face with that reality.

Aigis was still in repair. Minako might ask her when she is well for the whole truth. The trauma of her parent's death left her memory fuzzy without the aid of the dark hour.

_You have such a kind heart...you shouldn't give so much of yourself to me._

His cheek was warm, pliant, even though his skin was nearly porcelain white. Immediately his fingers rose to meet hers and hold them there. They'd held hands before but this was different, more private. Her room was closed. The dorm was empty. There were no other responsibilities.

When she caught Ryoji's anguished gaze her throat began to burn, her stomach did little flips, she'd held onto her first kiss for this very moment. It might be clumsy or unsatisfying but it was his. He didn't resist her lips.

"Minako..." he warned ineffectually, still finding some shred of masculine conduct necessary.

"Ryoji," she breathed encouragingly, feeling the same magic to the use of his name as he had, honorific or not. The stormy blue of his eyes seemed more mesmerizing than ever, he dipped his chin suppliantly to hide them.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't." She promised.

_...You shouldn't give so much of yourself to me..._

***ticktock***

"Minako-chan? Are you free? Do you want to come shopping with me?"

Yukari, determined to pull her out of this without so much as mentioning the mistake. Yukari had swiftly dealt her own denial many times before, but like the others she was changing, becoming complete. Minako felt faint envy; she didn't feel it possible to pick herself back up but in this moment she hopes she will try.

The mall is full of other students and adults alike, peppered through with the Lost. People pass them by as though they were mannequins beyond salvage. Yukari looks sincerely uncomfortably when they must.

"There's so many of them," she comments lowly. Minako receives her point, but her friend is gentle. She grabs her wrist and pulls her quicker. She is telling her something heartfelt and hurried at the same time, but it is something of a blur.

"I know, let's buy some rings!" Yukari perked, glad of her own suggestion. Minako actually feels warm again, and in appreciation of the effort offers that they match. After all, the member's of SEES though they cannot understand her plight are her soul mates in arms; Yukari one of the dearest.

"But don't wear it on your ring finger, because that one's saved for a g-guy..." her words suddenly broken, Yukari trailed off uselessly. She doesn't need to apologize but the mood is ruined. Minako was actually unaware of the significance of the ring until it was mentioned. Ryoji had bought one as a memento of the Kyoto trip. It suited him handsomely even though it was only a cheap thing.

Minako suddenly wants to liberate all her bottled tears but the presence of the Lost and Yukari is too sobering; she cannot lose face here.

She smiles even though it feels fractured and unnatural.

***ticktock***

They go to Tartarus. They _defeat_ shadows ('kill' is such an ugly word). Junpei is wounded, and Minako swings her naginata with ferocity that causes the gathering monsters to fall to her blade or flee mercifully. Her party is exuberant to have their Leader return, even if she is ruthlessly vicious. Some cheerfulness trickles through as she makes a joke on Akihiko's behalf. He might have blushed if he hadn't been so bewildered by the dramatic and sudden change.

It is easier. She is recovering. She is brave and proud and will not accept fate willingly before she first makes it beg beneath her shoe-sole. She will defeat Nyx. She will tear Tartarus down brick by bloody brick. She will protect her dearest friends, and she will have Ryoji back.

No one and every one marks the change in her. She remembers that she is not alone even while she is unaided in confronting her darkest fears. Even if she must face Ryoji himself at The End she will not give way. He doesn't love her for her weakness. Everyone depends on her for her light.

She will fight.

***ticktock***

Christmas Eve arrives with a flurry of dainty little snowflakes. Fuuka and Yukari have stolen her away to try and mask the fact that it is a couple's holiday. They buy her cake, drag her away from the lights when she begins to go glassy-eyed, and talk scandalous girl's secrets until finally she is lost to the incessant giggling they so hoped to attain. It's merry, it's precious. She hardly remembers to nurse the emptiness within herself. It is another thing worth protecting.

***ticktock***

New Year's Day, dormitory lounge.

Everyone is gathered. Her heart sings for Ryoji but this is to be a professional assembly. Their eyes do not meet in longing anticipation. She stands steady if not a bit rigidly; her decision made long ago despite her silently trembling nature. Although her friends have found their answers by different means they still look to her for the finality. It is she who wields the final axe after all.

"I see," Ryoji laments plainly. "Then I will be waiting in her room."

When she closes the door behind them she is once again overwhelmed by the sincerity of his smile even as sentiments dripping with virulent irony flow forth.

She shakes her head, hoping the smile will be gone when she refocuses.

"I had a good time back then…"

It pulls her heart in opposite directions to hear him speak of the past so evenly, but she can say nothing in return. She agrees. Her time with Pharos _was_ precious. If he references their short time together in the sunlight then she will have to accept her fate.

He turns morose and away from her hands she was sure were stretching out to him but they are still limp at her sides. The lights flicker and he becomes what he's always been. Shadow. Not Human. Not Ryoji.

"I didn't want to show you this…I'll ask you again."

Minako shakes again; vehemently, full of refutation and terrible self-reliance.

"I will bring Death to this world," he vows darkly. "Do not hesitate to kill me."

"Memories are ambiguous. Old ones can be replaced with new ones, creating a new reality."

She is finally still, gazing at him motionlessly with intense solemnity she hopes he will recognize; she will _never_ forget. So many different arguments while each is as ineffectual as the last. _Please believe in me_, she silently beseeches, but he is too absorbed by the gravity to see it.

He sighs with finality, a sound that is beautiful even in his distorted shadow-voice.

"I understand." He grasps momentarily for the acceptance; blue eyes still fervently bright as he thinks quickly for any further argument. "I will tell you how to confront her." Another sigh, that same disparaging furrow to his brow that looks so out of place on his smooth white skin, "Then I suppose all that's left is goodbye."

"Goodbye" she says with a gentle precision that scares her. Because she's telling herself this is not truly the end. She waits for him to open his arms and she folds against his chest. The embrace is flimsy compared to how they clung together in the throes of passionate abandon. She supposes that they were both pining over the separation in the past month and he's struggling just as much not to let the temptation show. He places butterfly soft kisses on her hair and her forehead and finally her eyelids before extricating himself from her grip. He slips off the ring she remembers admiring so often.

"I think…If you accept this I might be okay." He fumbles to push it over her finger; the one reserved for love. She doesn't need to use any words to receive it. They are children again, bonded by loneliness.

When he leaves she is better prepared. She thinks maybe there was some kindness in the first instance.

She wishes her ring on his finger also had a solid shape.

***ticktock***

Nyx is a terrible bird that wears his mask and speaks his voice as she tears at it. Her temple aches from the Evoker's kiss. Her friend's rise and fall and support her, but she is a never-ending twist of steel and determination. Her Personas, her other selves, break free with a size and intensity she's never reached before.

As the humans strip away her cloaks of the Arcana, Nyx is grinning undaunted, the moon a looming crown behind her. Pharos- Ryoji is a but an essence; some part of him lingering still in the murky green light, observing in open awe. Nyx is infinite, Nyx is undefeatable; he doesn't want to see that which he tried to prevent any more than he wants to be it.

But the girl, Arisato Minako is different. She is something unpredictable. There has never been a force like her before and Nyx seems to tremble deep at the core in sensing this through him.

Death, The Thirteenth, a shadow, wishes for nothing more than the blessed conclusion of The Fall… but "_Ryoji_" does.

Somewhere a bell is tolling.

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><p><strong>AN**: this is shamelessly messy and incomplete, done over the span of three days in little drips and drabbles. Miniscule plot points stuck out at me during Ryoji's choice and I wanted to write it. Some parts I like, others are layered on a bit thick, and I didn't intend to use so much of Ryoji's actual dialogue, but I can't seem to fix that. My 126 hour obsession with this game probably won't end with this slapdash oneshot though, so maybe this is more of a starting point. (Although next time I might just stick to the fanart side of things)

It made sense for MaleMC to go through this parting with more passivity; it's in his character. But when the rest of SEES contemplates their decision there wasn't any edits to add any sense that they felt badly for the female character that her boyfriend was actually the great evil they were trying to resist and now he wants her to kill him. I even had a date with Fuuka where she asked if I was cheating on my boyfriend... (?) It just didn't make sense when the party is becoming so closely knit, but I suppose I can forgive the oversight what with half the text for dead-shinjiro only being mildly changed. (Seriously, he's still in the hospital Aki)

Leave me a review if you read this, because I want to hear from other Persona addicts like myself. There is some seriously awesome Ryoji fic available here ( YEAR OF THE DOG) so I know I'm not the only one out there. And perhaps you have some constructive criticism to keep me from falling into the angst-trap as I'm so habit of. It would be appreciated xx


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